January:

The Australian Tennis Open will be held in scorching hot conditions in Melbourne. The general media will mutter about the size of Serena Williams arse which will look like a couple of beach balls covered in a pink curtain.

February:

During February, ‘ex-All Blacks and rugby die-hards’ will whinge about the season starting too early. At least one NRL player will get in a power of trouble for drunken behaviour in a pre-season training scenario. The NRL will say they are now going to get tough on player behaviour.

March:

The Black Caps will lose the Test series against Australia 2-0 with one of the tests being a draw because of bad weather. The Australian batsmen will have a field day at the expense of our bowlers and Ricky Ponting will make atleast one century. As will Brad Haddin and very probably Mitchell Johnson. One of the two test defeats will be by an innings and some.

The one day series will be marred by crowd behaviour prompting the normal suspects to brush the dust off their soapboxes and suggest that Kiwi’s have a problem with alcohol.

April:

The Warriors will have won 2 of their first 4 matches prompting suggestions that relieving Steve Price of the Captaincy was a mistake.

May:

Tiger Woods will win the US Masters. Every time a member of the gallery hollers “GET IN THE HOLE”, there will be giggles around the course given the possible interpretations of that phrase

Scott Dixon will win the Indianapolis 500 prompting NZ sports pundits to generously remind the public that motor racing isn’t in fact a sport at all and not as credit worthy as a competition to throw a steel ball or paddle backwards up a river.

June:

The All Blacks will prevail over Wales in the Iveco Series – the Test in Wellington will be played in atrocious conditions and the virtues of night rugby in Wellington in June will be questioned. The NZRU will point out that the increased TV revenue from night tests is a commercial reality in the professional era. Murray Deaker and Chris Rattue will blame Graham Henry for the weather and plead for him to be dismissed in favour of Laurie Mains because Mains will get the team “back to basics”.

The All Blacks performance will be described as ‘rusty’, and any subsequent changes to the first team of 2010 will result in headlines screaming “Rotation Returns”.

July:

England will make a controversial and fighting failure to the lift the FIFA World Cup. They will be eliminated in the quarter finals, in all likelihood due to losing a penalty shootout, and an individual player will be vilified – probably a Liverpool player this time.

August:

For all of August, ex-players and rugby die hards will lament and whinge about the All Blacks not playing in the NPC (forgetting that they haven’t done so for atleast a decade). Stu Wilson will say something stupid. Grant Nisbett will whine about the lack of competition on opposition lineout throws.

September:

The All Blacks will win their 9th 3N title prompting accusations that they have again peaked between World Cups. ‘Ex-All Blacks and rugby die-hards’ will suggest that winning the 3N is now boring.

October:

Canterbury will win the NPC – prompting ‘ex-All Blacks and rugby die-hards’ to suggest that there needs to be a review of the competition structure as the current format needs to be adjusted to stop Canterbury winning because it’s just not fair.

November:

The All Blacks will begin their End of Year Tour – Rugby scribe Stephen Jones will suggest that this is the weakest NZ side to tour in living memory. The Times website will get massive hit numbers from NZ and Jones will get a substantial bonus just in time for Christmas.

December:

The All Blacks will complete their 3rd Grand Slam in 5 years – prompting ‘ex-All Blacks and rugby die hards’ to suggest that these aren’t ‘real tours’ anyway and that it was much tougher in their day.