BLUES:
Blues fans start the season excited over the Mathewson/Brett combo.  By round 9 Smylie and Toeava are starting at 9 and10.  Ali Williams enjoys a kick-ass season.  Anthony Boric tries to emulate Ali by sporting a spiky mullet and wearing a comic book hero costume.  Stephen Brett gets sulky because Boric steals his Wonder Woman outfit.  Pat Lam unveils a new game plan called “Just run it from anywhere bro!”  Joe Rokocoko reveals that the reason he lost his mojo was because he was feeling depressed.  He launches a series of mental health advertisements with John Kirwan and the Mad Butcher.  Lam unearths a great new talent when he picks one of the Eden Park construction workers at tighthead.

CHIEFS:
Kahui will look absolutely awesome…for the 20 minutes he plays this season.  Stephen Donald will finally crack from trying to be Mr. Positive and pull a Tonya Harding on Mike Delany.  Delany is seen crying on TV.  Like Tonya, Donald will release a sex tape.  Byron Kelleher will return to NZ and ask if he can star in the sequel.  Hika Elliot gets pissed off at being on the bench and get suspended for urinating in a bar after starting a fight.  In his court appearance his lawyer uses the defense – “with all due respect your Honour, he was living in Hamilton.”  Muliaina says he is "burnt out” from rugby.  Colin Bourke decides to stop sleeping with coach Foster’s wife in order to get some playing time.  Muliaina says he is "excited" again about rugby.  Lauaki starts the season in great physical shape but cracks under the pressure of dieting and eats Callum Bruce in a feeding freenzy.  Latimer plays every minute of the Chief’s campaign at no. 7 but people still ask “Why isn’t Latimer playing? Is he injuried?”  The BOP mafia recruit an army to defend his honor on Internet forums.

HURRICANES:
David Smith has a breakthrough season by finding all new ways to suck.  Tialata blows ass and gets dropped.  Midway through the season he’ll announce his retirement from rugby on Twitter and open a KFC franchise in Wainui.  Karl Lowe won’t win the S14 but will take home ‘the biggest biceps’ award.  Piri Weepu will get to play no 9 all season and establish himself as the best halfback in the country.  Piri won’t win the S14 but will take home ‘the biggest shorts’ award.  Bryn Evans will miss his first game because the stadium security guards won’t let him in.  He’ll say, “I’m Bryn Evans, I’m an All Black.” One of the guards will laugh and say “Yeah bro. So am I. So am I.”  Jeremy Thrush will come out in Womans Day and admit he has a manjina.  The team doctor gives him medication for his yeast infection.  Cooper’s last game as Hurricanes coach ends on a fitting note when the 'Canes bow out in the semifinals.

CRUSADERS:
Brad Thorn will bench press Andy Ellis as his pre-match workout all season.  Carter and McCaw will have a Kobe-Shaq falling out midway through the season.  Carter will get his fancy pants in a knot and say “You can’t win a title without me Richard.” McCaw will say “Whatever!  And you can have your silly undies back. They're too tight for me anyway” and try to transfer to the Blues.  The Auckland administrators find some way to screw it up and pay a fortune instead to get Onosa'i Tololima-Auva'a back in the squad.  Murray Mexted will call Jonathan Poff ”Jonathan Poof” in every Crusaders game he commentates.  Fruean will get benched by Blackadder for playing rap in the changing sheds.  He’ll say “You’re not in Porirua now Dr Roberti Fruen.  We only listen to two kinds of music round here, country and western.”  Thomas Waldrom will try to console him and say it’s tough for us brothers down here.”  Fruan will say, “Your not black bro!...and stop stealing food from my locker!”  During the Crusaders’ S14 winning celebrations and team chants, Zac Guildfuid will joke “Rueben Thorn was pretty shit wasn’t he?”  The eerie silence will be broken when Kieran Read says “Get out! You’re not welcome round here anymore!’

HIGHLANDERS:
The Highlanders home attendance record peaks in round 3 with a total of 263 fans.  Jamie Mackintosh joins Jeremy Thrush by admitting he has a manjina, solving the riddle over why he’s such a big pussy.  Murray Mexted gets suspended from the Sky commentary team again for calling Tim Boys “Tim Likes Boys.”  Clint Newland punches out Fetu'u Vainikolo for wearing purple boots with silver glitter.  Jason Shoemark teaches Newland the word “purple,” raising Clint’s vocabulary to five words.  Laurie Mains is quoted in the Otago Daily Times saying that Suzy has put a curse on the Highlanders.  Robbie Robinson and Israel Dagg will get tired of being the only players on the team who can catch and pass while running and steal a cheerleader at knifepoint. The Highlanders board concedes to their demands by giving them both a one-way ticket out of the Highlanders but can't give them a million dollars because the team's broke.  Ben Smith tells the boys, “Don’t’ worry guys, you still have star All Black winger Ben Smith."  Jimmy Cowan looks confused and asks Adam Thomson, “Hey do you know that guy?" Thomson says "No. But didn’t I beat up his sister once"...